i have lived many lives in my dreams

another poem from the periphery of conscience

at night my breath is caught 

between your embrace  

and the deepest blue of the sky.  



each room corner

a watchtower, camouflaged 

in the blur of my peripheral vision;

stares i avoid all day

to not lock eyes, to not provoke

unleash their scorn in nightmares:

spiteful, hypnotic glares.



i can only watch

my body, possessed

paralyzed. automated.

i obey my strings.



they make me pull my teeth

one by one:

dull thuds to the ground

irregular, torturous rhythm.



they make me tear out my hair

ransom i pay to the wind.

they forfeit me to the fall

from the top of my gallows -

but i never reach the ground.



instead

the breeze's feathered back catches me.

i hug the neck of the swan

as it circles and swirls

gliding, mad and free

i grip harder and scream.



from above

from between

i look for you in every dream  

but my doubts find me first.  

they whisper betrayal,

mutilate love beyond recognition.



i carve furrows into your cheeks

where tears rarely flow

because i need to pretend

your stillness breaks when i hurt.



i make the mistake

then beg for forgiveness;

your veins baptize my hands in blood

warm and wet as a newborn calf.



red against the white of a dress;

beneath this layer, another

stowed away behind your pain:

my defective nature

guilty and inadequate

addicted to running away.



i have lived many lives in my dreams

yet i was always me

staring down a husk in every mirror,

all i could see -

a carcass of glass

shattered 

in the spots you never kissed.

---

painting by helen flockhart